“I am the daughter of a God who delights in me. I have a calling and access to all of His resources that I’ll need to fulfill it. He delights in me every second of every day.”
If I do nothing this week except sit and wrap my mind around that fact, it will be days well spent.
This quote from my journal written in a day that hope flickered, grew and swelled into joy that carried me through the next few days. I’d been reading a book, set down during a time I wasn’t ready and picked up again when my faith in God was restored. I believed in God, but I wasn’t sure what to believe about God.
We’ve been told so many things about God, things that are built around small slivers of scriptures, giving birth to concepts that may or may not be so. While the Bible is written without fault, generations upon generations have read it from the contexts of their own cultures, understandings, and beliefs, resulting in a very, very confusing world. When you’ve been shattered by religion, turned away from beliefs you thought were from God because you found out they were only the opinion of man, it’s hard to trust anything you’re told, hard to hear God’s spirit through the layers of scars, hard to even read the Bible without turning on recordings of your pasts.
I certainly don’t have all the answers. But the book I was reading took some of the things I struggled with most about Christianity and examined prescription without the popular teachings built around them and offered answers that made sense. I’m not finished with the book, but my beliefs are starting to bubble to the surface, both religious and general ones, that allow me to skim them out, examine them, and either refine or toss them aside.
Some days it’s easy. I’m loved. I’m working toward the things I know I was put on earth to do. Things may not be easy but they will happen because I’m fulfilling the reason I was created.
Other days, the words are dull, my mind is tired, and there is such a far discrepancy between where I am and where I want to be, the life I have and the life I want, even the things I’m doing with my time and the things I know I’m supposed to be doing with my time.
And isn’t this normal? Isn’t everyone around me compromising what they want for “reality.” Aren’t we all fated to watch our youthful dreams fade as life presses down harder and harder, leaving us more pressured for time, energy. Ought we not to be unselfish, to always put others before our own needs. Perhaps I’m demanding too much in what I’m looking for in friends and a partner? I can’t have everything so I have to decide just one or two that I think I could be content with getting and then give up all the others, so my hands are free enough to cling onto what I have before, in trying to hang onto everything, I end up holding nothing.
Compromise. Settle. Learn to be content. Don’t be selfish. Don’t dream.
But, Friend, I’m not going to tell you to do that. Is that the life you want? Me neither. Who ARE we? Why ARE we here? How DO we get from where we’re at to where we can do that thing that makes our souls come alive?
I can’t tell you exactly.
But I can tell you some things. We are God’s highest form of creation. We are made in His image. He’s not mad at us. He doesn’t expect us to earn his favor by doing things we think he wants us to do. He didn’t send Jesus to be some kind of buffer between us and him so we can have a precarious, strained dialogue that will let us just squeak by into Heaven.
We were created to be children of God. We were created to do whatever that thing is that brings joy, that ignites our spirits, that allows us to share our gifts with each other. And if we’re created to do something by a God who owns everything, why are we so fearful that we’ll fail if we try to do it? That He’ll place this desire in our hearts, and then trip us when we step toward it or withhold the things we need to accomplish it.
I know it’s a big concept. I know that you may not think it’s true, that you might be clenching your teeth, that there may be tears in your eyes, that you might have written me off at the beginning of this post as a loonie. And that’s okay.
But just for one moment, allow yourself to consider the “what if” – what if God is good? What if you are meant to be His child? What if that thing inside you is a gift, an arrow that points you to your best life? What if your father has accesses to all the resources of all the world?
What could you do in an alternate world where the above was true?
And what if that alternate world was real?